2 Corinthians 8:7: “But since you excel in everything- in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in the love we have kindled in you- see that you also excel in this grace of giving.”

As I studied and pondered this verse in preparation for this blog post, the two things that stood out to me most are the word love and the grace of giving.

Love. I do not know whether to call it a trait, an action, a concept, a gift, an emotion, or simply a word that holds a lot of power. Maybe it is all, or maybe it is something I have not listed.  But do we as humans ever master this? If you know someone who has, please introduce me because I would love to hear their story and live vicariously through the knowledge of their pure, loving heart!

Understanding love has been hard for me. It is hard for me to say I love you, even though I say it all the time. After saying those words so much in my life, it feels mechanical. Like those words have lost all power and meaning. Like I would be pleased to only have to use them three more times in my life. Indeed, three feels like a number I could manage.

It is also hard for me to hear the words I love you when said to me because, in my mind, love is much better shown through action than through speech. Have you ever been told I love you by someone whose actions did not align with those words?

In the spirit of transparency, I will admit to you that I am having a rough time. Something I was certain God was calling me to, in fact, I feel confident saying it is the surest I have ever been of God’s calling for me, was not brought into fruition at this time. Instead, I am having to wait. I am in a period of rest when I thought I would be entering into a new adventure with God- unlike anything I have yet to experience. But God has me here, and I still believe that I heard God’s calling correctly, but the timing just isn’t right. Why this is? Only God knows.

In addition to trading one rapid transition for another, my mental health has been crashing and burning for the last couple of weeks. As a result, I checked myself into an inpatient facility for four days because I recognized my inability to help myself and needed to ask for help from others.

Sometimes, my thinking and perception of my circumstances and certain situations can be very black and white. Everything is either all good or all bad. But when I take time to pull out my journal, to reflect, and act with intentionality rather than impulsivity, I can see that nothing in life is ever all good or all bad. Except for God. He is all good. He is the exception.

In the past few days, I have been remembering God’s faithfulness. Everything he has delivered me from in my life. Teenage alcoholism, the depths of depression I have fallen into too many times to count, voluntarily sleeping from one sketchy place to another between the ages of 12 and 14. Making myself throw up in the bathroom at school so I could be sent home. Crying at school every day and needing my mom to pick me up because the things I experienced before high school left me traumatized, and incapable of relating to my peers. And then switching to online school, only to realize trading in emotional isolation for physical isolation was not the quick fix. Moving from medication to medication. Experiencing panic attack after panic attack. Trying my best to hold on, though I was getting weaker and weaker.

Now that I am older and somewhat wiser, though I have a long way to go, I look back on my life thus far and see that through every trial, God has been my strength. Jesus has been my hope and my savior before I even knew him personally. When I was walking the streets at 12, in the hospital overdosing at 14, physically unable to peel myself off the couch at 16, having panic attacks twice a day at 17, and now at 20, going through another season of depression and uncertainty.

God has always been beside me. He is a God who acts. He is a God who protects. He is a God who is Generous and gives freely. He is a God who redeems. He is a God who says he loves us, means it, and proves it over and over again. His love is greater than we could ever comprehend. And I believe we can begin to understand love by examining the traits of the father who is love itself.

So, this concept of the grace of giving…

What is giving and generosity based on?

Something I have come to know about this question is that when we give and show generosity to others, it must be unconditional. It must come from a place of love. It must not be motivated by anything other than showing others the love and generosity that God has shown us.

We can give money. We can give time. We can assist. We can lend our ear. What we have been blessed with, we can use to bless others. We can let the people around us know that we are here if they ever need us.

God gave his Son so that we could be free. God gave his son, to show his love for us despite the sin and rebellion we have become entangled in. God gave his son, so that we may believe in him. God gave his son, so that we may have faith and hope. God gave his son, so that we may experience eternal life, in the company of our loving father and creator.

God is so, so good. And we, well, we are not. Not always good. But we can try.

Every day we can wake up, and give our best effort to live in and to live out the love of the Father.